


Reason to Live

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Series: Angelfire Universe [18]
Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: Domestic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 21:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19753816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: Time has passed, leaps have gone on. Al decides it's time -- Sam is ready to handle the news he's been keeping from him.  Angelfire series, most of which should be read in order.





	Reason to Live

**Author's Note:**

> While most of the previous stories/leaps in this universe more or less followed right after each other, for this one some time has passed. Several leaps unwritten, as I wanted to skip to this part of their story. Written in 1992, published in Quantum Fire #4.

_Everybody's got a reason to live, baby_

_Everybody's got a dream and a hunger inside. . .*_

When I arrived on the scene, Sam was prowling around in the kitchen, raiding the refrigerator. "Anything good?" I asked, sticking my head through the door to peer into it.

He jumped, almost dropping a milk bottle. "Al! Do you have to?"

"Sorry. Midnight snack?"

"Mmm hum," he mumbled around the club sandwich he was shoving into his mouth.

I watched as he finished the last of it, washing it down with a swig of milk from the bottle. He was looking good. Healthy, happy, and in control. "When you're through, let me know."

"Why?" He wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his pajamas.

...But still messy. Sometimes Peter reminded me so much of Sam...and vice versa. No matter how much he grew from his experiences, there was still something of the little boy in Sam, at least towards me. Maybe it was because I was the only one he trusted enough to be himself around. Then again, maybe I spoiled him too much. I would probably do well to remember that while raising Peter.

Sam was watching me questioningly. Time to turn serious. "We have to talk, Sam."

"What is it?" he asked, instantly on alert. "Did something happen with the leap?"

"No, you're doing fine. C'mon, let's go into the living room."

He followed me, full of silent questions.

For the first time since Sam started leaping I was totally ignoring everything everyone else said and doing what I _felt_ inside. Not without some trepidation, but I couldn't keep this news from Sam. I'd spent several leaps watching him and assessing his stability. There was a time when the news would have done him more damage than he was already doing to himself.

After sitting down and reviewing both their best interests, I'd made my decision. I now felt he was ready. They were both ready to be a part of each other's lives.

"Something _is_ wrong?" he asked nervously when we stopped in the other room.

"No, it's nothing bad. Sit down."

Sam followed my instructions reluctantly, concern still evident on his face.

I took a deep breath and began. "I'm going to tell you something that I'm not supposed to. As a matter of fact, there's plenty of good advice to that effect. But we promised each other honesty, and in this case I can't keep it from you. First, I need your promise you'll handle this..."

"Al, how can I promise when I don't even know what you're talking about?" he cried.

"You can promise to try your best to deal with it. I'm not gonna lie, it won't be easy. But if you want to prove the words you said to me--"

"I promise!" Sam was exasperated, confused, and nervous all at the same time. And it was going to get worse.

"Okay. I'll be right back. Stay here, and don't move."

Sam watched suspiciously as I opened the Imaging Chamber door and stepped through. I returned a moment later with Peter in my arms.

As we stepped through the doorway, Sam's eyes fastened on Peter, growing bigger the longer he stared. I gave him a few minutes. Peter played with the licorice stick he stole from me, following my lead of silence.

It was sinking in, but he wasn't saying anything. "Sam, this is Peter..." I'd known introductions would be awkward. I couldn't very well say Peter Beckett...that wasn't his name. Yet I didn't want to burden Sam with all the news at once. That he was legally a Calavicci could keep for awhile.

I hadn't known Peter was legally mine until I looked at the birth certificate. It might have been spite on her part, or a wise decision. I tended toward both, knowing Donna. She couldn't very well put down as father a man the government denied was there at the time of conception. Even if she had found a way around it, a man who was lost in time couldn't be much help as legal guardian should something happen. For Peter's protection, she'd made the right choice.

"Oh my god..." Sam rose, still staring. I could see the wetness starting in his eyes. It acted as a catalyst for my own. "I thought you said Donna left??" he asked in a shaky voice.

"She did, she just came back long enough to drop him off. She's working on an important project in Oregon, figured he'd be better off here..." I held the handlink up high, as Peter's little hands kept reaching for it. "He likes the lights," I explained. Sam was still transfixed. "He's done the weirdest shit, we didn't even know the link could..." I realized I was babbling and tried taking a deep breath. "Anyway, he's one happy fella, he's got so many aunts and uncles," I assured.

I was the one stuck on the tragedy of broken homes...until a woman named Amanda King made me realize the foolishness of my fears. I stuffed the link into my pocket, but it didn't foil Mr. Sunshine. He just switched his attention to trying to reach around and get it out.

I hefted the bundle in my arms, getting a more comfortable hold on the squirming boy. "Say hi to Daddy," I whispered into his ear.

Sam took a step closer, stopped abruptly. The thoughts in his mind were painfully clear. He reached out a hand, withdrew it quickly.

"Hi, Daddy," Peter chirped enthusiastically, now that he'd been given permission to join in.

"Hi...Peter..." he managed.

Peter reached out happily. He knew he couldn't touch, his favorite toys were the simple holograms I set up for him back at the Project. He just liked the idea of his hand passing through a person. Chip off the old block. He smiled at Sam and I saw their eyes meet.

There was an intake of breath from Sam and he fell back onto the couch. I had a feeling he'd finally gotten the whole picture. The way he was intently studying every feature, he'd have to be blind not to. And you couldn't look into our baby's eyes and not see it.

"Yeah," I answered the unspoken. "There are some weird stuff going on during that simo-leap."

"He's _ours_ ," Sam breathed in stunned comprehension, eyes seeking out mine.

I closed them briefly, nodding.

"Oh my god..." he repeated.

Peter finally succeeded in recovering the handlink and playing with the buttons to see what he could make happen. The lower half of my body disappeared. He laughed gleefully. "Look Daddy!" he crowed to Sam with pride in his little voice.

I chuckled. I had the feeling heavy moments were never going to be quite the same, now that he was around. Still, I had to speak around a lump in my throat, hearing him take to calling Sam daddy as easily as I'd hoped. "Kick in the butt, ain't it?"

"Ours..."

Peter's face turned serious, as serious as a 16 month old's could be, as he gazed at Sam. "Wha cry, Daddy?" he asked.

That helped. The tears were now pouring down Sam's cheeks. But he was smiling. "Grown-up's cry sometimes when they're happy too," he explained. He wiped at the wetness with the palm of his hand.

"He's happy because you're here," I told Peter for reinforcement, giving him a kiss.

Sam was shaking slightly, trying valiantly to pull himself together. We 'sat' down close to him. "Sam, are you okay about all this?" I asked softly. He was awfully quiet, though he'd had time to get used to it. Then, was there enough time to get used to it? I still stared at Peter sometimes, like he was a miracle. Actually, he was. How many kids have two biological fathers?

"We have a son..." he stared at us. "I wish I could hold you both in my arms and tell you how much I love you..." he whispered.

There wasn't anything I could say to that. "Can you handle this?" I asked warily.

Sam met my gaze. "What is everyone afraid of? That I won't be able to get through the leaps? Now, more than ever, I'll do my best. I've got a family waiting for me." He watched Peter chew thoughtfully on his licorice stick. "How old is he?" he asked in a hushed tone of awe.

"You don't want to know." His gaze flickered up to me briefly, before returning to our son. "I'm telling you Sam, this kid is scary. He's 16 months and he's already beating you out at that age. The only thing I had a lot of trouble with was toilet training him." Peter hit me in the nose with his half-eaten licorice, giggling. "Thanks."

"How do _you_ feel about this?" Sam thought to ask, watching me with baited breath.

"I feel...blessed," I answered honestly. "And I'd say the same thing even if Mr. Ears wasn't here." I wiggled Peter's ear.

"Mr. Sunshine," he said, somewhat crossly.

"Okay, Sunshine Ears." I turned back to Sam, not looking forward to my next words. "We'd better get going." I saw my own regret mirrored in his features. "It's getting late, you have a leap to deal with tomorrow, and it's past his bedtime, too."

"No sleepy," Peter piped up.

"That's what they all say. And besides, no one knows we're here. I figured I'd break them in gradually."

"You won't get in trouble, will you?"

"From who?" I asked. "You're the boss. Do you want me to bring Peter with me?"

"Yes," Sam answered almost desperately.

"Then it's settled. We'll see you tomorrow."

"Night, daddy Sam," Peter said as the doorway appeared. "No bedbugs bite."

"Good night Peter," he whispered.

"Bedbugs? Bedbugs?" I slung him over my shoulder and tickled him, as he laughed. "You're the bedbug!"

"I love you..." Sam called as I closed the door.

**SAM** :

I didn't get much sleep that night, my mind was still reeling from the Christmas present Al had presented me with. When I saw those eyes staring at me...Al's and mine, in one infant face. It was beyond my wildest dreams, but our bond...our love had produced a child. Suddenly I had a family, when I'd doubted I'd ever.

Yet the happiness I felt was tinged with a sadness I knew I'd fight a daily battle with. They were home, while I was trapped in time. I wanted to hold our son in my arms so badly...be there to watch him grow up. It would be a strong test of my new faith, to keep on believing that She and I wouldn't be so unfair as to strand me here forever. Not now. I'd repented, I took my Karmic medicine for years now. It was time to come home.

I vowed to follow through. There was no reason that just because I was in a leap, I couldn't work on retrieval when I had free time. Fit in trips to science libraries if I had to. I was a scientist, a genius, if I couldn't manage to do more than one thing at a time I was in big trouble. I created Project Quantum Leap. I created a machine that could send people through time and made it work. If I couldn't find a way to get myself home, then I was really just an idiot.

My new found determination making me feel better, I managed to drift off to sleep.

XXX

I jumped up in bed, waking fast. My heart raced from the dream that held it seconds ago.

_Oh my god, I tried to prevent Donna from marrying me!_

If I had been successful in seeing to it that she stayed married to Chester...Peter never would have been born. Suddenly, changing one's own past was the scariest concept I'd ever had. Even with all the warnings and common sense, even after all I'd done during the leaps, I still hadn't learned my lesson. I was still way too complacent about tampering where I suspected I had no right at all...until now.

This time, for my son's sake, I'd learn my lesson good, and not the hard way.

So many could-have-beens. If I hadn't meddled in the first place and gotten Donna to marry me... Thinking I'd been wrong, I tried to fix that. I hadn't been allowed to. Peter was meant to be. I had to also believe that I'd be home with my family soon. Until then, at least they were together.

Whether I wanted to or not, lying there alone in the dead of night, the analytical part of my mind wouldn't rest. There was another possible reason Peter had been given to us. To Al. I could already see the change in him being a parent naturally caused. He was more relaxed, more...focused on someone other than me. He had a reason now, to keep going. A reason to live. He had a life now, besides me. And Goddess knows he deserved it. I didn't have to worry about Al anymore.

But they had to worry about me. And wait and wonder. How long would they have to live like that?

I spoke a prayer to Her, me, Whoever wanted to answer it. "Please...either end this and let me go home to my family, or spare us all...

Just end me."

_Everybody has a reason to live_

_But it can't be your love..._

– Paul Stanley

**the end**

_2/18/92_


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